It is always there

I was asked about the cancer experience today. I thought I'd be fine to answer.

And then, I remembered.
And feel.
And it comes back.

The feelings are raw. The experience was real. The changes in our lives are constant. We work to live each day to its fullest. Some days more full than others just because of Dale's inability to do. So far this year alone, his infections of some sorts is counted at four times. Each infection in not very convenient places.

As I reflect on 2011-2012, the cancer year, I continue to feel those fragile emotions. I remember calling Huntsman Cancer Institute early each morning checking if Dale was still alive or not. How did he do through the night since I left him the evening before? I remember when he passed out on the gurney and the nurses worked to "bring him back." I remember driving in the middle of the night/morning to the ER for checks and end of driving home alone. I remember seeing him so sick, he'd just stare at nothing. I remember believing he would not make it to bone marrow transplant.

And since that year, we adjust, adapt, and arrange our daily life to match Dale's capabilities. He is slower, has less energy, and infection prone. "Situations" happen almost weekly and his life circle space is getting smaller all the time. Venturing outside of that circle is difficult for him--physically and emotionally.

There are days I wonder when I come home if he is splat on the floor somewhere in the house, helpless or worse.

We have done well, however, it is always there.