Some day, eventually

It must make for a long slow day for Dale as he mends, alone, at home, every day. With limited capabilities to do what his mind wants to do, he does what he can. Since his body screams to be near the bathroom with another bout of diarrhea from the intestinal infection once again,  most activities are limited.  Dale works well to keep his spirits in place to heal as fast as possible. The sunshine is great, the clear skies better, and hopes of gentle warm days bring happiness to his soul. He will want to mow the lawns and do some yard work, however, they tell him not to for a year; too much of a risk for infectious things out there. That will be hard on him.

He must be feeling better (sans diarrhea) because he is anxious to be productive and active, but his body is  slow to recoup enough to keep up with his desires. One day, it will come, eventually.

Women vs Men

Doctor's visit was short and encouraging. Blood counts where they should be, albeit white count down, but that is normal especially with his kidney stone escapades and confirmed intestinal infection.  She told us Dale is doing well, will see him in two weeks, and then shortly after that the BMT team will begin their  overall health status tests. Moving forward.

I returned to work with a greeting from my boss: "What are you doing here?" I told him I was just checking if I still had an office. He said yes, so I busied myself with the stuff on my desk. I began to think of the several days away I had and the impact it had on my emotional well-being. When the trip began, I told myself I would focus on the girl's experiences, get to know parents & coaches, and enjoy the trip with each of them. They were a great group of people. The moms kept asking me questions; how did you get selected this year to come with us? Do you have any kids? How come your husband did not come with you? And then, how could you leave him alone? Is there someone taking care of him while you are gone?

It went down hill from there. The women kept asking questions and as hard as I tried to answer generally without mention of bone marrow transplant, cancer, or compromised immune system, I shared all sorts of information. The compassion surrounded me, the care given, and the understanding shown. But there were also looks of "how could you not be with him?" and some "you should feel guilty for not being there" insinuations. That made my trip with the girls difficult because of constant discussion and questions brought to the forefront thrown in with emotions I am not experienced with. I am experiencing many new emotions and feelings that are all jam packed into eight months that most women learn over years of motherhood.

Then I thought if I had accompanied the boy's teams someplace, first, the dads would wonder what the heck I was doing there, and second, they would ask no more.

Back to my boss's statement to me for being at work already. At the end of the day, we had a few uninterrupted moments of discussion,  he asked caring questions, he listened to the answers, and I was reminded once again, why I really like working for him.

Caretaker Brain

Today was a good day for both of us. I decided I needed to stay home and be with Dale through the day. We needed the emotional connection and support we give one another. He was alone and quite uncomfortable for several days, and I was exhausted. I thought the exhaustion was physically induced from several days of constant walking in the sun in Disneyland and trying to keep up with 20 drill team girls, but once I got home, I felt an emotional relief. Part of the exhaustion must be from the exhausted caretaker brain. I figure if Dale can have chemo brain to excuse and explain, I too can claim a brain. It takes emotional energy to caretake from far away. It is just better to be together.

I did nominal tasks around the home keeping it bone marrow transplant patient clean. Dale helped in changing the sheets however, became winded assisting me. His stamina is minimal and he does what he can, hoping to be productive somehow. Doctor appointment in the morning, labs, and hopefully, just good news of progress.

Rolling stones

Dale had a painful day after his night in the ER. He left a little treat for me to observe, which I believe to be the stones. Hallelujah! He will check with his urologist for any more treatments. Dale tells me he does not feel well, about like he did before we knew he had cancer, sick and sluggish. The visit to cancer doctor Wednesday may give some insight.

Not good sign

Dale's health is a mess. Today brought a visit to the ER once again because of blood in urine. He said pain and the blood alerted him to the point of deciding to go to the ER. A friend took him this time, since I am out of town on school assignment. Good thing we have great neighbors. I do not know results yet but will report when I know more. Fortunately, Dale has his regular appointment with Huntsman on Wednesday and he will need to report all this information to them. I thought I might send Dale alone to that appointment, but probably not. Progress has gone backwards with the whole kidney stone issue.

Slow healing

Today did not bring any changes for Dale's stones. He says he does not feel well but it is manageable. He met with some friends for a few hours and had a delightfully fulfilling evening. It is always good to keep those close connected friendships going. Our young friend who I mentioned a few weeks ago that has lymphoma, continues to have complications. Fevers led to viral pneumonia therefore she has several types of antibodies and other drip lines into her system. I feel so sad for her. This is tough to deal with. Although, Dale and I think we are doing fine, things sneak up and I realize the cancer and Dale's continuous healthcare is first priority. We work at "normalizing" life and it's daily tasks, but cancer is all encompassing and takes over. It is everything. The cure/treatment is a tough, unknown route of fragile health complications making it even worse. Neither Dale nor our friend heal very well any more it seems now. I hope it improves with time.

Hoping

Kidney stones are stubborn. Even after a transfusion made to assist in their movements or dissolvement, Dale reports pain and a day of diarrhea. Will that ever go away? He is exhausted and needs good rest (and lots of fluids). We hope the night is either productive or just peaceful. We are hoping there will be no other complications for at least 15 years!